Marriage Counseling

Two Marriage Counseling Techniques You Can Use At Home

Do you feel as if you and your spouse are fighting more often or more bitterly than usual? Are certain topics of conversation like money or parenting guaranteed to lead to an argument? Have you considered a separation or divorce?

If so, you've probably talked about going into marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can be a huge help to couples who are experiencing conflict. But not every couple can afford marriage counseling, and some people feel shy about airing their differences in front of a stranger.

This article discusses some of the more common techniques used in marriage counseling. Although they are easier to use with the help of a trained counselor, they can also be used on your own.

Marriage Counseling Technique #1: Listening and Reflecting

Choose one person to be the talker and one to be the listener. For fifteen minutes the talker says whatever is on his or her mind. The listener's job is to reflect back the talker's feelings. For instance, "I hear that it makes you angry when I forget to take out the trash."

The listener should avoid offering excuses, defenses, or counter-complaints. For instance, the listener should not say, "I only forget the trash once in a while, but how long has it been since you've done the dishes?"

After fifteen minutes, the couple switches roles.

This exercise is designed to promote active listening and to improve communication.

Marriage Counseling Technique #2: Reframing

Different people may assign different meanings to the same event. For instance, suppose your best friend snaps at you. You might think, "Wow, she's really angry at me," and become anxious. You might think, "How dare she talk to me like that?" and become angry. Or you might think, "Wow, she must be having a really bad day," and feel sympathetic.

Often times, when you are annoyed by your spouse, it is not the behavior per se that annoys you but the way you interpret that behavior. Reframing challenges you to see the behavior in a new light. It may help to tell your spouse your perception and ask what the behavior means to them. For instance, "When you leave dirty clothes on the floor, I feel like you're disrespecting me and treating me like I'm your servant rather than your wife." The husband may then reply something like, "That's not how I mean it at all. When I was single, I always dropped my clothes on the floor after a hard day at work because I was too tired to mess with them. I'll pick them up myself as soon as I've had a chance to rest."

If you feel like your marriage is in trouble, it's a good idea to seek help, but if, for some reason, marriage counseling isn't right for you, then try these two techniques at home. You and your spouse just may reach a new understanding.

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